


The Silent Stars go By

by Bandity



Series: O Come Let Us Adore Him [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, It's me so someone is going to puke, Langst, Nausea, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Drug Use, PTSD, Season 8 compliant, Self-Harm, War violence, Withdrawal, brief discussion of the possibilty of non-con, eating issues, i guess, less than responsible alcohol consumption, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-09-15 06:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16928580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandity/pseuds/Bandity
Summary: After the war, Lance had thought he would have less bad days, but the events from Enseldia still haunt him and it's getting harder and harder to hide it from the people who love him.





	1. A Hold on Me

**Author's Note:**

> What is this, you may ask? Why on earth are you posting a series of all things during finals week??  
> This is really more of a collection of one-shots taking place after OCLUAH that go into Lance's time after the war. AND. I can post it because the first two parts were already written anyway. They may have been edited for flow reasons, but they were posted before on my tumblr. 
> 
> I really wanted to post something before the final season drops. Not sure if I will wrap it up or not before the end, but I will try. Probably going to be 4 chapters, but maybe only 3.
> 
> This will not make sense if you haven't read O Come Let Us Adore Him, I don't really go back and explain so please read that first!

A hand coursed through his hair. A beautiful, soft humming filled his ears. Familiar fingers caressed his cheek.

A burning seared through his throat.

“Hurts…

"It will be alright.” Gentle hands wiped away the tears that spilled over.

“Please.”

What was he pleading for? He was hurt and he was sure it was his own fault. Nothing to be done about it.

“Rest.”

Something burned through his veins and he felt it race down his arms and legs, causing them to cramp harshly. He cried out.

More hands appeared, stroking his face, holding him still.

“Relax, relax, Paladin Lance. All is well,” said the whispered voice in his ear.

_All is well._

He was safe. He was warm. He was loved.

Surrounded by soft blankets and pillows and wrapped in familiar arms.

"We love you so much.”

Lance sighed. That was right. They loved him. Sayna loved him.

Sayna.

_No._

_Wait._

That couldn’t be right.

Sayna was before. Enseldia was far in the past.

“I love you so much.”

_No. Please. No. Not right. Not right! It’s wrong!_

He wasn’t back there. He wasn’t!

With all the strength he had, he pushed away the gentle hands. Not this time.

There were more hands on him once more and he struggled hard. He wouldn’t let this happen again. Never again.

Voices around him began speaking loudly, but he outmatched them.

He shouted for help.

_They wouldn’t leave me alone. They wouldn’t leave me with them._

They had said he wouldn’t have to go back.

Keith had promised.

Lance screamed louder.

* * *

 

Shiro didn’t know Lance’s sister very well. But in the short time he’d been around her, he’d found her to be capable, intelligent and calm under pressure. When she burst into Keith’s hospital room with a look of panic, he knew something had gone very wrong.

He had been sitting with Keith, keeping his unconscious form company and holding down the fort until Krolia could arrive.

Shiro knew Lance hadn’t woken up yet and his stomach plummeted, assuming Lance’s recovery had taken a turn for the worse. Why else would Veronica look so shaken?

“It’s Lance,” Veronica inhaled a quick breath. “He’s woken up, he’s calling for you and the others.” Screaming. Lance had been screaming. She swallowed down her nausea. “Shiro, I don’t think he knows where he is.”

Shiro was on his feet and moving out the door in an instant.

“Coran- he was calling for him. But I’m not sure… Coran didn’t seem to want to leave the Princess.”

That was true. Coran had been very protective of Allura while she was being attended to by humans and he was frustrated that he couldn’t read the scans that were done on her. He’d been loyally staying at her bedside even after she’d woken up. Though he hadn’t exactly said it, Shiro knew he had been particularly scared for her.

“Let me try to talk to him first.”

Veronica was nodding. She was breathing as evenly as possible as she walked briskly down the corridor, leading the way back to Lance’s room. “A nurse came in when he started yelling and I think she made it worse. We told her to leave, but she said she would come back and sedate him if he couldn’t stop and relax.” Veronica took a deep breath and Shiro could see Lance in the action. Lance always took a breath like that when he was summoning his courage. “Dad’s holding him down. Mom’s upset.”

Veronica halted her report abruptly, aware that she was probably saying too much. While she had worked to detach herself for a moment, the fact was that her younger brother was screaming and crying in terror at something she could not see or save him from. It ripped at her heart and shook her down to her bones.

They rounded the corner and saw most of Lance’s family in the hall. They had all been there, of course, and they had quickly ushered the kids out of the room, away from their hero uncle and his violent sobbing.

Shiro gave the group a quick nod and squashed down the awkward, horrible feeling that clambered up his throat.

Because Shiro knew what this was about. It didn’t matter how many good days Lance had. If Lance woke up crying it was always about the same thing. Shiro took a deep breath of his own and opened the door. 

“Please let me go. Please let me go back.” Lance was crying; struggling against his father's arms. 

Lance’s father was speaking lowly and it took Shiro a moment to realize he wasn’t speaking in English. Though Shiro’s Spanish was deplorable, he could understand the intention behind Lance’s father’s words.

Caring parents trying to soothe their children sounded nearly the same in every part of the Galaxy.

“Please… No more. It hurts. Please, Sayna.”

Shiro ignored the way his gut plummeted at the name. It had been a long time since he had heard it.

He tried not to look at the boy’s mother who stood near the foot of the bed.

Too late, he then recognized the feeling that had risen up inside him.

Shame.

Because Lance had suffered so much on his watch. And Shiro always knew that he would be the one that would have to tell their parents if something happened to them in space. He used to have nightmares about bringing home corpses.

But this situation wasn’t what he had prepared for; and now it felt like it wasn’t his story to tell. It should come from Lance; when he was ready to talk about it with them.

Also. Maybe Shiro was too ashamed to tell them himself.

So much for being the adult of the group.

With as much respect as he could, Shiro moved to Lance’s bedside and quietly asked the boy’s father to step away.

“He ripped out his IV,” the man explained, hesitant to let Lance out of the steady hold he had on him.

“I won’t let him hurt himself.” It was a promise. Shiro struggled to keep his voice even as memories of Lance cutting up his own hand resurfaced.

Shiro must have seemed reliable enough because in the next moment, strong hands released Lance’s arms and the boy tried to push himself off the bed.

“Lance, it’s me.” Shiro grabbed his shoulders, keeping him in place. He could see the streak of red now leaking from the IV site on Lance’s arm and staining the sheets. “It’s me, Shiro. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re on Earth.”

Lance had stopped struggling, but Shiro couldn’t tell if Lance was really hearing him or if he was just worn out now from fighting off his family.

“Listen, you’re in a hospital on Earth. The team is here, but they got hurt, so you can’t see them right now. You got hurt, alright? It’s okay if you don’t remember-” Shiro realized his mistake too late.

“You’re lying! You always lie!” Lance squirmed hard, trying to free himself.

_Shit._

“Don’t touch me!” Lance cried desperately, twisting hard in Shiro’s grip, but he held fast.

Shiro had forgotten. Sayna always told Lance he was confused due to some injury that Lance couldn’t quite remember.

“Lance, it’s me! Sayna’s not here. I promise.” Shiro was eyeing the IV bag, realizing they had probably administered some pain medicine that was probably clouding his mind.

“Lance, look. It’s me. Your mom is here and your dad. You’re on Earth. Remember?” Lance pushed against his chest, fighting with all the strength he had to get away. Shiro thought about Sayna and the Enseldians. Lying to him, shushing him, hurting him.

Lance always fought so hard.

“It’s been- damn- sorry, I don’t know your day count, but it’s been so many days.” Shiro had lost track along the way. So many things had happened since then.

Not knowing what else to do, Shiro pulled Lance into a tight embrace. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held him close. “It’s been so many days for us. Way more than 100. Probably more than 200 even. I promise, you’re safe.”

Lance stilled.

Shiro hoped it was enough.

“Sh-Shiro?” Lance sounded unsure. Shiro breathed out in relief.

“It’s me. It’s me.”

Lance shuddered in his arms. He took in a shaky inhale before he turned his head and cried into Shiro’s neck.

“I thought I’d gone back! I thought I was there again,” Lance sobbed the muffled words into Shiro’s uniform and Shiro didn’t care that he would soon be covered in tears and snot. He was so relieved that Lance was back with them, not stuck in a prison of his mind. Lance didn’t deserve that.

“You’re not going back ever again. I promise.”

“Dear boy.”

Shiro jumped, not realizing the door to the room had opened and shut again. Shiro turned his head to find Coran at his shoulder, looking tired and slightly heartbroken over the scene in front of him.

Veronica nodded from her post beside her mother. After bringing Shiro, she had almost immediately slipped out to get Coran. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe Shiro could help, but her brother had called for Coran more than once. She decided she would bring every member of his team to the room if that’s what it took to calm him.

Lance turned his head and peeked out from behind Shiro’s shoulder at the Altean.

“Coran?” He whispered.

“I’m here, my boy. Did you have a nightmare?”

Lance exhaled deeply and Shiro felt the energy draining out of him. Coran brushed hair off Lance's forehead gently, pausing a moment to cradle Lance’s head in one hand.

“A nightmare,” Lance’s voice wavered, but he set his jaw and nodded resolutely. Just a nightmare. She couldn’t hurt him anymore.

“Rest easy, you are safe.” Coran patted his shoulder gently.

Lance nodded again and Shiro lowered him slowly down onto the hospital mattress. Lance’s eyes fluttered. After his breakdown, he was spent and in danger of dropping off back to unconsciousness.

“Don’t tell my mom. She’d worry about me.”

Shiro glanced in the direction of Lance’s mother who wore a set frown on her face. She looked a bit like she may have been fighting back tears, but she mostly looked ready to fight the person who had hurt her son. There’s no way she had missed the way Lance had pleaded to be let go. Pleaded with Sayna.

It still seemed like Lance’s story to tell.

“Lance, your parents are here,” Shiro didn’t want to lie about the situation. “But it’s okay. They’re just worried about you,” he added quickly.

“Mom’s here?” Lance sounded relieved and mortified all at once. His eyes opened wide and darted about wildly.

“Over there, dear boy,” Coran nodded his head, motioning to the other side of the room.

“Oh, h-hey,” Lance whispered when his eyes fell on his mother. “I’m sorry. I’m okay. Mamá, está bien. Estoy b-”

Lance’s mother came stomping forward. Her deep frown remained.

“You don’t lie to me.” Her words were a harsh whisper, edged with unshed tears and a surprising anger. “My son doesn’t lie to me.”

His mother grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into a rough embrace. “Mijo, you don’t need to say you’re fine if you’re not.”

“I…” Lance swallowed back a building sob. “I  _will_ be okay. I promise.”

Lance was determined. He was going to be okay. He’d made it too far to be anything besides alright.

His mother carded her fingers through his hair and he tensed at the action.

_It’s mom. Just mom. Get a grip._

“I’m tired.” Lance forced out. It wasn’t a lie, he felt like his mind was slipping away from him and his eyes were drooping. He just wanted to sleep this off.

His mother kissed his forehead and told him to sleep as she lowered him back down onto the bed. Before his eyelids drifted shut, he saw Shiro and Coran quietly moving toward the exit. Shiro gave him a slight nod when their eyes met and Lance tilted his head in response. They could talk later. When things had settled down and Lance was feeling better. For now, Shiro could leave Lance with his family. They would look after him.

* * *

 

Shiro was grateful that Coran waited until they were out of Lance’s family’s earshot in the hallway before he started speaking.

“Shiro, did you tell these human doctors that Lance has had seizures in the past?”

“No, I didn’t.” Shiro tensed his jaw, preparing for the headache that didn’t come. “I didn’t think of it.”

“They should know.”

Shiro nodded.

“And,” Coran took a deep breath before continuing on, “they should be careful about administering painkillers. He has a history of addiction, as unwilling as it was.”

“I will tell the doctors.” Shiro felt like he had a huge weight bearing down on his shoulders. He hadn’t thought about that. Lance had been doing well. “Discreetly.”

“You think it would be best for Lance to tell his family himself.” Coran was pulling at his mustache in contemplation. He had already guessed Shiro’s line of thinking, but he still brought it up. He knew it helped Shiro to talk through things sometimes.

“If I told them… it feels like breaking his trust,” Shiro admitted. “Though, I’m not sure if Lance will ever want to tell them what happened, they should know.” Shiro furrowed his brow. “I don’t know if it’s my place to explain it… they’ve probably already figured out some of it.”

Coran reached over and patted the middle of Shiro’s back.

"Steady, Captain.”

Shiro let out a humorless laugh that sounded closer to a breathy sob. He was so tired.

“Yeah.” Shiro swallowed down his sudden nausea, unable to say anything else.

“It will be alright.”

Shiro nodded.

They would all be alright. Just like they always were. He was sure of it.

* * *

 

_It is important for you to rest. You are still injured._

Lance’s mother stroked the side of his face.

“I love you so much.”

Lance bit his tongue and willed his heart to slow.

_This is earth. You’re on earth. You’re with your mom_.

His mother wiped the silent tears falling down his cheeks without word.

_You are safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So even though this was posted on tumblr before, I still do appreciate comments and such. I love being able to chat with you all a bit. Next part will be up in a few days.
> 
> The title "The Silent Stars go By" is from the song "O Little Town of Bethlehem."


	2. Take the Hand That's Offered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr. BUT it is now reedited and extended to fit into this story line that I have created. So I recommend reading it, even if you read it before. 
> 
> Thank you so much everyone for the comments and encourgement. Finals week has not been kind so far, so I needed the morale boost.

His cousin was having a party and everyone was going.

Well, everyone except for him. He had woken up that morning with a familiar unease in his chest. It had been a long time, but he still recognized it. Last time this had happened, his team had still been around and they had known what to do. His family though….

They didn’t know.

About any of it.

He had been careful now. Not saying or doing anything that would lead them to ask what had really happened during the time he was in space. He had fought in the war and that was enough to explain away the nightmares. And if his mother gave him that worried look, the one where she seemed to just know something else was going on, he was quick to change the subject. It wasn’t hard to lose his problems in the disarray that came with rebuilding their lives. They often travelled between Cuba and the Garrison, usually helping out with relief efforts when they could. Lance was grateful that most members of his family were safe. But after the war, after things had settled, he had found that there were cousins missing. And aunts and uncles. The story was the same around the world. Everyone had lost someone. With all the damage and destruction, there weren’t even bodies to bury.  

Still.

His family insisted on carrying on, finding joy where they could. And his cousin was turning fifteen. It was going to be the best party that they could all put together.

But Lance claimed to be feeling unwell, so they left him home alone to get some rest. His mother had patted his cheek and told him that she loved him before slipping out the door to help herd his niece and nephew into the car.

Lance watched them leave from the window.

Once the car was out of sight, he set to pacing the house. It wasn’t enough though.

He ended up back in his room, thinking he would actually try to rest. He flopped backwards onto his bed. The springs in his mattress protested loudly as they pushed against his back. Staring up at the ceiling, he ran his fingers over his arms and his wrists. He brushed against the slight scars that started at the base of his thumb. He remembered tally marks and sleepovers and embraces and dancing and promises.

He felt sadness catch up to him and he pushed it down. But… he was well and truly alone right now and there was no war to fight. Maybe he didn’t have to struggle so hard to keep the despair at bay.

As soon as the thought passed through his mind, he was overcome. Slow tears slipped out and dripped down the sides of his face. Wetting the tops of his ears and soaking into his hair.

_I don’t want to feel like this anymore._

More tears came then.

Soon he was weeping openly and he didn’t try to stifle the sobs that escaped him. He stopped straining to hold it back and he let it all go.

Time slipped by him.

The tears wouldn’t stop. The heavy feeling in his chest wasn’t leaving. He started feeling sick as his stomach turned over. He could only think about how awful he felt and how alone he was. What was he supposed to do? His family wasn’t there and even if they were, he couldn’t explain it to them. He had never told them.

He reached for his phone and scrolled through his contacts. He saw his lasts texts to his friends. Inane, everyday things; jokes and promises to all meet together soon.

Hunk had asked him if he was doing alright a few nights ago and he had said he was fine. He thought he was telling the truth. He couldn’t text him now; after he’d said he was fine. And, really, Hunk had done enough. Lance shouldn’t bother him. 

Lance was still crying hard as his fingers hovered over the keyboard. He needed to do something. He needed to. He felt like something terrible would happen if he didn’t ask for help. Lance’s thoughts cycled around to bothering people and being a burden again.

Before he could lose his nerve he typed a message out with shaking fingers.

* * *

 

Shiro slept through his alarm. That had been happening a lot lately. It didn’t really matter. While he was officially considered a consultant on space relations for the Garrison, he didn’t have work today and he had nothing planned. A lot of his days were like that now. They had all been instructed to take extra time off. They deserved it after all. 

He rolled over and winced at the bright sunlight steaming through the window. His eyes landed on his phone on the bedside table. A small light in the corner of the screen blinked slowly. He had some kind of message. It took him a few tries as his body was still waking up, but he was able to grab the phone and hold it up above his face. He wasn’t quite ready to get out of bed and couldn’t find the effort to sit up yet. He had two messages from Lance from around 9:00am.

_Are you awake?_

Another message had followed two minutes later.

_I’m sorry. Never mind._

Shiro blinked blearily at his phone. It was now 11:32am. He hadn’t slept in like this for a long time and now he woke up to that. He typed in a quick reply.

_hey what’s up?_

Shiro set the phone down on his pillow and rubbed at his eyes. Lance hadn’t contacted him in a while. He was supposed to be staying with his family all the way through the holidays before coming back to visit the Garrison again.

His phone beeped and he wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or worried that Lance answered so quickly.

_How many days?_

Shiro blinked at the text. How many days… Without thinking Shiro checked his calendar. It had been months and months and when was the last time he had asked?

He quickly sent out a text to Pidge. Hopefully, she had been keeping track. Though why would she? They weren’t fighting anymore. Even after the hospital stay had shaken him, Lance had still done really well. Last time they were together, Shiro had encouraged Lance to tell his family about the Syliid poisoning.

“They’re not going to think less of you. They’ll understand.” Shiro had insisted. He had worried about Lance having a bad day and having no one that knew what was going on.

“I feel _fine_ … My mom already feels bad. She doesn’t like hearing about the dangerous parts. She cries, Shiro.”

In the end, Lance had walked away from the conversation. Shiro had hoped that Lance was really done with bad days. It had been a long time since he had craved the Syliid. Shiro thought that maybe he would really be okay.

Things were never that easy.

His phone pinged again and Shiro saw Pidge’s name cross the screen.

_492 days. Did he ask?_

_yes_

_shit_ , was the immediate reply back to him.

Shiro let his phone fall on his face as he breathed out. He hoped it wasn’t bad. He hoped Lance had told his mom.

Shiro picked his phone up and typed out another message to Lance.

_492\. Are you alright?_

Shiro waited for the response that didn’t come. He eventually got up and began pacing the room. Could he call him? Was that okay?

Another alert on his phone, another message from Pidge.

_Hunk’s going to call him._

Shiro nodded. That was probably better. Hunk was good at calming him down. Shiro found his way into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. He listened to the noise of Keith moving around in his own room. Keith had been getting over a cold and had been holed up inside for days.

Shiro dragged a hand over his face. They really needed to get out of their apartment for some fresh air soon. They should try to get out and do something besides just exist. Something that wasn’t related to any kind of doctor’s visit or meeting.

Another message came through from Pidge and Shiro narrowed his eyes at the words.

_He’s not answering._

Shiro clenched his teeth in frustration. He didn’t miss the war, but he missed having the Paladins all in one place. It was easier to keep track of them. And Coran wasn’t here. The Altean had been able to provide Lance with a listening ear and a sense of safety throughout his withdrawal. Shiro had a communication device somewhere. He could contact Coran and ask him to try to get a hold of Lance…

Shiro was interrupted from his troubled problem solving when Keith exited his room, moving so fast that the door swung out and hit the wall with a bang. Keith was soon in the kitchen, going for the cupboard to get a mug for coffee when he caught Shiro’s frown.

“What happened?” His voice still sounded rough from his cold.

“Lance texted me. He asked me how many days it had been.”

Keith just stared, waiting for more details.

“I told him the amount of days, but Hunk tried to call him and he didn’t answer, so I don’t know-”

Keith turned and walked back to his room. Shiro faltered, unsure if he should keep talking or not. Keith returned right away with his own phone in hand. He punched in a quick text and then held the device up to his ear. There was a long stretch of silence before Keith swore and tried the call again.

“Keith…”

Keith shook his head. He scowled the whole time, tapping his fingers on their kitchen counter a touch too aggressively.

“Keith…” Shiro tried again.

“Hey, what are you doing right now?” Keith spoke loudly into the phone. Shiro blinked, realizing he had actually gotten through.

“No, not nothing. You asked the days. So what are you doing?”

Shiro strained his ears to see if he could hear Lance’s responses, but he didn’t sound like he was speaking clearly.

“Are you alone?” Keith started pacing in a small circle. "Did you hurt yourself?” Keith’s eyes darted to Shiro. Shiro held his breath without meaning to.  The response on the other end sounded garbled. Keith shook his head. “He didn’t,” he whispered quietly. Keith bit his lip as he listened to Lance struggling.

“Where’s your mom?” Keith paced to the end of their counter and back. “That doesn’t matter. Call your mom.”

Keith leaned on the counter and then straightened up again immediately. Shiro felt that all of the pacing and restlessness was heightening his own anxiety as he felt the need to start moving too.

“No, that’s bullshit, Lance.” Shiro could hear Lance crying on the other end now. Keith pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sorry, calm down. Take a breath. You’re okay. You’re okay. I promised, right? You’re okay.” Keith inhaled deeply. Suddenly, he was aware of how out of his depth he felt. Lance was too upset and too far away. “Here, it’s Shiro.” Keith handed the phone off. Shiro was startled, but took the offered device.

“He sounds messed up. I’m contacting Coran.” Keith went back to his room to find the communicator he had been given.

Shiro took a deep breath and steadied himself before holding the phone up to his ear.

“Hey, buddy.” Shiro forced a smile, hoping the effort could be heard in his voice. “Do you want to talk about it?”

* * *

 

When Hunk called him, he had just stared at his phone and let it ring. He had only texted Shiro, but maybe Shiro had told the others? That’s not what he wanted to happen. He’d only wanted a confirmation for the number of days. He thought if he knew, he would be able to calm himself down.

It didn’t really work.

The ringing stopped. Lance felt a new kind of panic set in. He _wanted_ to talk to someone, but at the same time he felt like he couldn’t. His problem was old, how were they not sick of hearing about it? Shiro had told him to talk to his family, but he couldn’t do that to them. His mother worried and she got upset hearing about the dangerous things Lance did to save the universe. Also…

Her finding out that he had basically developed a drug addiction in space? He didn’t know how to begin. The idea of telling the whole story, starting from the beginning…

Lance felt bile rising in his throat.

His phone lit up, signaling a new text coming through. Lance saw Keith’s name pop up with the short message.

_You had better answer me_

Lance blinked. Immediately, the phone began to buzz and his ringtone started to play. Keith’s name flashed across the screen. This isn’t what he wanted to happen. He hadn’t meant to set them all on edge.

Lance held his breath and waited for it to stop. He didn’t deserve their worry, he didn’t deserve…

 _It’s just a bad day, my boy._ Lance pulled in a gasp of air as Coran’s words came back to him. Just a bad day. Lance didn’t always feel this way. It was going to pass. It was going to pass.

The phone began ringing again. Keith’s name appeared. Before he could talk himself out of it, Lance accepted the call and put the phone to his ear. He exhaled a shaky greeting.

“Hey, what are you doing right now?”

“No-nothing.” Lance bit his lip. Keith wasn’t having that. He asked again.

“It’s a- it’s not a good day,” Lance finally managed.

“Are you alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you hurt yourself?”

Lance studied the area on his arm where he had scratched his skin until it was red. It wasn’t bad, he wasn’t bleeding.

“No, I didn’t.“ Lance took a deep breath. "I just- I just- Everyone left and I couldn’t stop…”

Keith started to tell him to call his mom and Lance was stumbling over excuses, but then Keith sounded so angry, telling him it was bullshit. Lance felt alone. Alone like he was when he lost that ship and crashed Blue and when he was dying on that stupid planet in Triesa’s arms and he couldn’t catch up to them…

“They left me.” Lance gasped out without meaning to.

Keith had been telling him to calm down. He had been apologizing for making him cry even more, but now he went silent.

“Here, it’s Shiro.”

Lance tried to get ahold of himself, but then Shiro was talking in his ear and he couldn’t stop crying. He tried to talk, really he did, but there was so much.

“Lance, just breathe for a second.”

Lance inhaled and exhaled. He could feel tightness in his throat and he clenched his blanket in his fist, terrified that he was going to remember something he didn’t want to.

Trying not to think about it made it worse.

He could hear Keith’s voice in the background.

And then Shiro was speaking loudly, trying to get Lance to refocus on him.

“Lance, do you have the communicator that Coran gave you?”

That brought Lance back. Of course he still had it, but Coran was busy.

“It’s for emergencies.”

Shiro sighed and Lance knew he was fighting off a headache. He sounded strained.

“Well, Coran is going to contact you in about three dobashes and if you don’t answer, Keith is already looking at flight times for us to go there or for you to come here.”

“Dobashes,” Lance repeated the word. He hadn’t heard that term in a long time now. “He doesn’t need to-you don’t need to-”

“We want you to be okay, Lance.”

Lance’s fingers shook as he clutched the phone tightly. He nodded, though Shiro couldn’t see him.

“And if you really don’t want to tell your mom-” Shiro sighed loudly. “That’s your choice. But please answer the call from Coran.”

“Okay,” Lance breathed out.

“I’ll stay with you until he calls, alright?”

Lance brushed the tears from his eyes. Coran would be able to see him through the device and he knew he looked a mess.

Shiro was talking quietly and Lance could hear Keith responding to him. They really were talking about flight times. Disagreeing about time zones.

Lance would have laughed if the pain in his chest wasn’t so sharp.

His communicator insistently began to beep. Lance sat up and tried to smooth down his hair. He ran a sleeve over his face, trying to get rid of the tear tracks. It wasn’t like Coran hadn’t seen him worse off, but it had been a long time.

He walked unsteadily to his small desk and pulled the device from a drawer. With a deep breath he pressed the button to answer the call.

Coran was smiling fondly and Lance saw the brief flash of relief that passed over his eyes.

“There you are, my boy. Would you like to go for a walk?”

Lance held back a sob in his throat and he nodded.

“Fantastic. Care to give me a tour?”

“Yeah.” There was an awkward moment where Lance didn’t know how to end his call with Shiro, but Shiro quickly spoke up.

“Call one of us if you need to. I’m going to text you later, okay?”

“Thanks.”

“Lance, just say the word. We’ll go down there, if you need us to.”

“I know. Thank you. Thank you both.”

Lance ended the call and breathed deeply.

“You’re alright.” Coran piped up. Lance let out a humorless chuckle.

“Just a bad day?” Lance asked with a forced smile.

“Yes. Just a bad day.”

Lance straightened up. “Can I show you the beach? Do you mind?”

“I don’t mind at all. Lead the way.”

Lance started walking.

* * *

 

The sun was setting.

Lance had been sitting still on the sand for a long time, listening to the waves. Coran had gone quiet a long time ago and Lance knew he would have to end the call soon. But before that…

“Coran, I think I have a favor to ask you.” Lance wasn't sure when he had decided this and he felt like his head had gone fuzzy, but there was no turning back now.

“Do you?” Coran asked curiously, unable to keep the fondness from his voice.

“It’s a huge favor and… promise you won’t get upset?”

There was a brief pause as Coran gently smiled at Lance through the view screen.

“I absolutely promise, my dear boy. Ask away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'm hoping to have the next part posted soon. Hopefully, before the new season drops. Thank you and please leave a comment!
> 
> Chapter title is from This isn't Everything you Are by Snow Patrol.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we get to the brand new stuff. Please excuse mistakes. I was studying and just decided I needed to finish editing and post this. So it's very late.

Lance woke up screaming again.

The sound echoed through the house and Veronica felt the atmosphere in their home shift as everyone who was sleeping was startled into wakefulness.

There was a long pause as Lance gasped for breath in the other room; the screaming now tapered off into loud whimpering.

Everyone else went still in their beds, waiting to see if he would quiet on his own.

The first time he had done it, their parents had rushed in and Lance had become so embarrassed and apologetic that the next morning he had disappeared from the house and didn't return until sometime after dinner.

That would happen occasionally. Lance would go missing all day and nobody knew where he went.

About a week ago, when it had gotten late and their mother had really started to worry, their uncles had volunteered to go out looking for Lance.

They had come back around two in the morning with her brother in tow, talking loudly, stumbling and all smelling like cheap beer.

Their mother had ripped into their uncles; scolding them for taking Lance out and not bringing her son immediately home.

"Don't be like that, he needed it."

"Yeah, we found him down by the water-"

"Looking like he was about to walk into the ocean."

"That's not funny," their father snapped, putting an abrupt end to it all.

Lance had muttered an apology before shutting himself away in his room for the rest of the night.

He had been sick the next day. Sick and more anxious than Veronica had ever seen him.

"It was stupid. I know it was. I wasn't thinking." Lance was sitting on the bathroom floor, hunched over the toilet. “They said it would help me feel better, but-” Lance fought back a heave. “They were really insistent. I thought it was okay, if it made them happy.” Lance eyes watered as he wiped at his mouth. “I’m making the same stupid mistakes all over again,” he whispered to himself. Veronica didn’t know what he meant, but he looked horrified and so, so broken. Worried she might lose him to whatever was going on in his head, she stooped down to be at his level.

"It's going to be okay," Veronica handed him a clean towel to wipe his mouth with. Lance took the offered item, but continued to stare into space.

"It's not. It's not okay. I can't remember and..." Lance pressed his fingers hard into his lips, smothering the rest of his sentence.

"Lance, what's wrong?" Because something had been very wrong for a long time. They all had rough patches, but Lance's bouts seemed to be particularly dark.

Lance had opened and closed his mouth. Something she knew he did when he was about to lie.

Their niece started knocking on the bathroom door then and Lance did his best to pull himself together and smile for her.

Veronica didn't ask him about it again.

Now, she could hear his muffled crying and the creak of a bed as someone else in the house shifted around in indecision.

It should be her.

She had seen enough of the war to know a little of what was going through his mind and while she hadn't been able to help him much so far, she needed to check on him.

Steeling herself, she slipped from her bed and walked to her door. She quietly padded down the hallway, her ears picking up the whispers of her mom as she went by her parent’s room.

"Veronica is going to him. It will be okay."

Veronica didn't know how her mother could always tell the footsteps of her children apart, but she always knew who was up, creeping into the kitchen or sneaking out.

They never got away with much as kids.

She knocked softly on Lance's door, more as a warning than a request to be allowed in.

She heard him pull in a gasp of breath as he tried to stop crying. She didn't give him the chance to say he was fine, opening the door and turning on the light without hesitation.

Lance had pushed himself into a sitting position, though she could tell he had just been curled on his side, facing the wall. He looked genuinely alarmed by her presence and reflexively curled his knees close to his chest.

"How can I help?" She didn’t ask if he was alright, she knew he wasn't. "What can I do?"

Lance shook his head and twisted his fingers too hard together.

"Nothing," came the choked reply.

"Lance," she warned. This wasn't the time for him to deny help when it was right there. When there was obviously something very wrong, something he wasn't telling them.

She wasn't an idiot. She had heard the things he shouted out in his sleep- the names he sometimes called.

She had hoped he would talk about it when he was ready. But, instead, he shoved it deep down where it festered and hurt him.

Lance curled up further. He slowly fell back onto the bed and turned, pressing his forehead against the wall.

"I'm sorry I woke you up, I'm sorry-"

"If it was me," Veronica strode forward. "If you heard me crying in the middle of the night, what would you do?"

She waited for a response, but Lance only breathed harshly, fighting back more tears.

"Would you leave me alone?" She asked softly, standing over the bed now, trying to see her brother's face.

"I would sit with you," Lance forced out. "Until you could sleep again."

"Alright." Veronica glanced around, debating on bringing over the desk chair. "Can I sit?" She patted the empty space on the bed with one hand.

"Yeah, it's okay, but don't... don't touch me."

"Alright." She sat carefully on the edge of his bed, resisting the urge to smooth down her brother's hair. Lance took several deep breaths and she thought she heard him counting quietly to himself.

"How many days have we been here?" He spoke up suddenly.

"Days?"  She thought for a moment. They had been staying for a while now. "Nearly thirty, almost a month. The Garrison said we could take time off for the holidays. Someone would call if they needed something."

"A month," Lance echoed.

"Yeah... You think you might want to go back?" She didn't agree. Lance was supposed to be resting and, well, healing, but on this visit he had only withdrawn from them. Something had to change soon. Too often it felt like Lance was hanging on by a thread.

Lance mumbled under his breath and she strained to catch it.

"Ten days? You want to go back in ten days?"

Lance's breathing halted.

"No," came the low reply. "I don't want to talk about it," he forced out.

"Okay." Not knowing what else could be said, she went quiet, watching the rise and fall of her brother's chest. She hoped he would maybe change his mind and talk to her, but he didn’t speak again for the rest of the night.

She stayed with him long after he had fallen asleep.

* * *

 

The days went by and Lance retreated further from them all. He hadn’t felt this bad in a long time. He suspected it was his night of drinking that had really thrown him off, but he had been feeling bad before that too. The alcohol just hadn’t helped matters. Apparently, being a Paladin meant free drinks; a gesture of gratitude from the bartender that his uncles went crazy for. They had gotten a shot into him before Lance realized it burned his throat and then it was his obvious panic that had his uncles taking him home finally.

After that, everything blurred together. He didn’t know how long ago he had talked to Shiro and Keith. Was it too soon to try to talk to them again? If he messaged them now, would it be obvious that he wasn’t holding himself together? What if Shiro insisted he tell his mom? Or what if Shiro got sick of hearing from him and just told his mother himself?

Coran had told him he would be out of range for a few weeks. And that was Lance’s fault too. Him and his stupid favor. Because his mind didn’t know when it was time to just move on already.

There was a knocking on his door and Lance curled up more tightly. His father was asking if he wanted to eat. He said no. Like he had been saying for days or weeks now.

His family left him alone. Accepting his excuses of not feeling well, they let him stay alone in his room.

He missed every family meal. Instead he waited until after they had all gone to bed and then he would walk quietly into the kitchen and eat the plate of food his mother had left for him.

He didn’t want to sit with them. He didn’t want to have so many people around while he chewed too slowly and tried not to feel like he was losing his mind.

His vague plan was to carry on like this until Coran could get back to him. But then his sister was standing over his bed, trying to keep the frustration out of her voice.

"Mom says she wants you to eat with us tonight."

“I’m not feeling well,” Lance replied immediately, though he could sense that something was off. Maybe they had decided to force him to come to dinner. Well, that wasn’t going to work out. No way was he taking his broken mind and stupid craving useless body to-

“It’s Christmas Eve, Lance.”

Lance’s stomach dropped.

He went over the days in his mind. How long had he been waiting out his withdrawal symptoms? How many days? Lance tried to fight down the growing panic. He had lost track of his days again. Because he was so wrapped up in his own head and the pain that he felt as his body rebelled against him.

“Lance, if you can... It would mean a lot to everyone.” Veronica was trying to be understanding, but this had gone on for long enough. Something needed to change.

“Alright,” Lance forced out through his closing throat.

He never could turn his back on people who cared about him.

* * *

 

He had at least managed to change his clothes to look presentable enough. His mother had kissed his cheek when he arrived and looked so pleased to see him.

Lance sat at the table and soon he was surrounded by his family and extended family while they chattered, laughed and talked way too loud.

He stared blankly at the food that was set in front of him. Something familiar. Something he loved to eat as a kid.

_Safe. You're safe._

The chattering continued, so loud and consuming. His head buzzed and he felt his panic grow.

_You're with your family in Cuba. Visiting until you go back to the Garrison. It's been over a month. At least thirty days…_

Thirty days.

That was way too many.

_Too many too many._

He'd lose track. His team was too far away and Coran was out of reach.

Everything felt foggy and his skin was crawling. It itched and it hurt and he didn't even have the marker to keep track anymore.

Thirty days.

Lance couldn't breathe.

He was going to forget.

Always so useless forgetting and forgetting and forgetting.

And it was dinner again and how many times had it been dinner? How many times had they had asked him to come and eat?

 _Thirty_ , it was too many, it was-

He hadn't realized what he had done until his niece shouted over the noise.

"Uncle Lance is bleeding!"

Lance opened his eyes, not knowing when he had closed them. He saw the red dripping from his slit fingertips and down the edge of the table knife he was gripping too tightly.

He had cut open his hand at dinner.

At family dinner.

Before he could register the gravity of it all, his older brother was grabbing him by his collar and dragging him from the table.

The knife was dropped on the floor somewhere in the hallway. Lance heard the sound it made as it hit the tile floor.

Luis was shoving him too hard, into his room away from the concerned voices of his family.

His mom...

"I'm sorry!" Lance blurted out, breathless and horrified.

He couldn't read his brother's expression. Frustration. Confusion.

"You scared the kids."

Disappointment. Anger.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"What is wrong with you?"

The door snapped open and Veronica strode forward resolutely. She carried a first aid kit under her arm and held her hand out towards Lance.

"Let me see," she ordered with all the authority of an older sister.

Lance shook his head and pressed his fingertips into his shirt. It stung, but he ignored it.

"You're not going to ask him about it?" Luis didn’t mean to sound so angry, but he had been worried about Lance for days and now, now his baby brother was really scaring him. It was like this wasn’t even Lance anymore.  

"Not right now." Veronica motioned to Lance's hand. "Can I see it?"

"Veronica, he's snapped and you're going to just let it go? He-"

"Enough."

All three of them jumped and turned to see their father standing in the doorway, still an imposing figure when he wanted to be. Even after all these years.

"Luis, come help with the kids. Let Veronica handle this."

Lance felt his eyes immediately overflow with tears. He wanted to apologize to his dad. He wanted to explain.

Instead, he choked on his words and looked down to the floor, hiding the shame burning on his face.

Lance heard his brother's retreating steps and the room went quiet except for Lance's small, stifled sobs.

"Can you sit down?" Veronica asked quietly. Her tone had changed to something gentler. More fitting of trying to console her baby brother.

Lance's knees gave out and he would have ended up on the floor if his sister hadn't grabbed his arm and redirected him to the bed.

Carefully, she pulled his hand away from where he was clutching at his shirt. When he didn't protest, she began putting pressure on the cuts.

"I didn't mean to scare Sylvio and Nadia," Lance finally forced out.

Veronica shook her head slightly. "They've seen worse things, they'll be fine." She began wrapping his fingers in gauze. "Everyone just wants you to be alright."

Lance wiped his sleeve across his face, trying to recompose himself.

"But I wish you would talk to one of us at least. Or, if not us, if you need talk to the other members of your team, we'd understand."

Lance shook his head, thinking about how Shiro had been pushing him to talk to his family. He insisted it would help. But Lance didn't want to talk about it. He wanted it in the past, dead and gone.

If it wasn't for the cravings that we're getting worse for no real damn reason, he wouldn't be falling apart like he was.

"We love you, Lance."

Lance froze. This was his sister. His family had told him they loved him several times since he’d gotten back. There was no reason to freak out now.

Except.

The days were blending together here.

And he kept getting headaches and his stomach hurt.

And there were so many nightmares and he couldn't tell what was a memory and what was just his fear generating moments for him to relive over and over again.

He wanted to call Coran so badly, but couldn’t. Coran had promised to contact him once he was close enough again. He had promised.

"Veronica, I'm not- You don't need to worry about me. Don't worry about me."

"I can see your scars, Lance."

Lance stared at the small marks at the base of his thumb. Short and purposefully placed. They had faded, but he would probably always have them.

"You don't have to tell me." She finished taping off his fingers. Gently, she placed her hand over his, hiding his old scars from view. "But you should talk to someone."

"They're not what you think they are."

"What are they then?"

"Bad days." The words were out before he could stop them.

"Lance-"

"I can't- Shiro said I should, but I can't. I don't want- I'm making everyone upset already."

"Lance-"

"I don't want mom to know what happened! I don't want anyone to." Lance pulled his hands away from his sister. "They're supposed to be just bad days, but they're not going away this time!" Lance was being too loud now, he could hear his family in the other room go silent, listening to his outburst.

"Lance, calm down."

"It's all my fault."

"I doubt that." Her eyes were so soft. She really just wanted to help him.

Lance shook his head. If she'd known how badly he had messed up, if she'd known how _stupid_ he had been...

_You're not stupid._

His thoughts sounded like Coran.

Lance let out a strangled sob.

"We just want to help you. You're not in the war anymore. Nobody is going to hurt you, not us, not anyone and not Sayna either." She had not said the name aloud herself, but Lance had cried it out in fear enough times that it wasn't an unfamiliar word. "You are safe from them. You-"

"Stop." Lance's eyes had gone wide and his breathing had picked up. How much did they know? Did the team tell them? No, no, they wouldn't. _Lance_ had said too much, Lance had cried out too much in his sleep. That's how Hunk had learned things about Sayna too at first. Lance gave himself away.

"We would not think less of you." Veronica was always so stubborn. "Whatever Sayna did-"

" _Please just stop_." Lance curled inward, looking like he might just twist up on the mattress and never leave again.

"Veronica."

Their mother was standing in the doorway. Looking strong and deeply hurt all at once.

"Leave him alone now."

Veronica had opened her mouth, not sure if she was about to argue or not. Their mom moved into the room and, when she was close enough, she placed a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "I will stay with him now."

Lance loved his mom. And he knew that she loved him. But he had been pushing her away and she had taken a step back, hoping the space would allow him to work through his thoughts. She could only do that for so long though.

Now, she took Veronica’s place and wrapped him up in her arms and held him close. Lance had first gone still at the contact and he looked like he would push her away, but she spoke softly to him like she did when he was young and sick or too sad. She smoothed down his hair and whispered.

"When you were gone, this world went on without you, but I did not. People said I was wrong to act as though you might come home. They had pity for me. I did not want pity. I wanted my son back." She set a hand on the side of Lance’s face. "In any way that you would be, hurt, broken or sick, I wanted you back." Her thumb brushed the tears that fell down Lance’s cheek. "You are my son. Even if you had died, you would be mine still. Nothing changes that. Nothing that happened to you and nothing you did stops you from being my son. Do you know why?"

Lance gave his head the slightest shake.

"Because I love you. I love my children more than anything. I would have switched places with you if I could. I would have saved you from suffering, if I could."

Lance let out the sob he had been holding back.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her and wept into her shoulder.

He cried hard and he apologized for being difficult, for ruining their time together and for ruining dinner. She had tears that mirrored his own and he apologized for that too.

She didn't shush him or tell him he was wrong to apologize. She let him talk.

And Lance finally said way too much.

His mother didn't ask about Sayna or Enseldia. She didn't need to.

Lance gave away all the pieces anyway.

"I messed it all up and I was so scared. And Sayna said I was hurt, but she lied all the time..." Lance told the story in bursts and it was jumbled and confusing and he knew he didn't make sense, but he continued talking.

He talked about poison and gifts and fighting and nearly dying.

And withdrawal.

He sobbed so hard he gagged and she still held him, she told him she loved him again.

"I would take this from you too, if I could."

She wasn't disgusted or ashamed of him.

It was the opposite.

"You always try so hard on your own, even when there are so many who would help you. You don't need to always be so strong, Lance."

"I k-killed people too, mamá. A lot of people."

"And in this Universe, you saved so, so many more than that." She kissed the top of his head. "My sweet boy. I am proud of you."

Lance cried in his mother's arms the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Alex, I would have traded places with you, baby brother. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated. I know updates have been quick, but the next part isn't likely to be up this week. I hope everyone has a good last season viewing. I'll see you on the other side.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's nearly 5am. I don't know if this all makes sense, but I need to be done with this. Please excuse mistakes.

Lance hadn't texted any of them in a long time.

Their time off was supposed to be seen as a vacation. Well-earned time off spent resting after all the fighting they had done. It was Christmas after all. Time to rest and enjoy a few quiet moments.

Something about it made Shiro's mind uneasy.

With nothing to do, Shiro felt anxious, as though he was always forgetting something.

It didn't help that the team was spread out. Everyone was with family, leaving only Keith and Shiro at their little apartment near the Garrison. Shiro often heard Keith talking to his mother through his communicator in the middle of the night. From what Shiro had overheard, Keith was going to be joining her soon.

Shiro had a feeling that Keith wouldn’t be returning to Earth much after he left. The last few weeks felt like they were saying a goodbye, though nobody wanted to say it directly yet. He worried about him.

Shiro worried about all of them really, though he tried not to.

Sometimes he wished that nagging feeling in the back of his head was wrong.

The day after Christmas, he had just forced himself out of bed when his phone beeped. Lance’s sister had sent him a message.

_Is Lance with you?_

Fully awake now, Shiro typed out a response as dread dropped into his stomach.

_Why?_

There was no answer and Shiro only hesitated a moment before he hit the call button.

"Why would he be here?" He skipped the greeting altogether.

Veronica didn’t miss a beat. "He left a note, saying he was going to take some time to figure everything out and he said not to worry. But he didn't say where he was going."

"Oh."

"He talked to mom. Told her about some stuff I guess. She doesn't seem too worried. So maybe he told her where he was going, but she's not sharing. She says it’s okay, but I just… want to be sure."

"He's not-" Shiro realized that he heard someone rummaging in the kitchen. Way too much noise for just Keith.

Shiro sprung up and threw open his door, eliciting a sharp yelp from their apartment’s intruder.

"He's here. He's okay. Can I call you back?" Shiro spoke quickly, not sure if Lance wanted his sister knowing his location, but also not wanting to hide Lance from his family.

Veronica sighed.

"Thank you. Take care of him." She hung up abruptly, leaving Shiro staring with a raised eyebrow and Lance blushing and shuffling his feet sheepishly.

Not blushing.

_He's flushed._

Shiro saw the towel full of ice shaking in Lance's hands and he felt his heart plummet at the bandages wrapped around his fingers.

"S-sorry."

"Go sit down. I'll get that." Shiro took the bundle away from him, trying to avoid dropping anymore ice on the floor. Lance made his way over to the couch, looking dejected. Shiro waited for Lance to settle down before speaking again.

“How long have you been sick?" He was trying to sound casual, but if Lance had hurt himself, he must have been feeling pretty low. It made Shiro worry even more now.

"Couple of weeks. I'm not sure.” Lance lifted his feet up and then dropped them to the carpeted floor, grounding himself. “It got pretty bad a few days ago."

"Weeks?" Shiro bit his bottom lip. Lance never suffered from cravings for that long before, not since the initial withdrawal.

"Coran's been out of range and- and my uncles took me out drinking. It didn't help." Lance was curling up, making himself smaller.

Shiro felt a protective streak course through him. Out drinking? That wasn't what Lance needed. Not when his head got fuzzy enough all on its own. Not that his family would know that since Lance hadn’t talked to them about it.

"You could have called one of us."

"It's Christmas. Everyone is busy." Lance was breathing purposefully through his nose and out his mouth.

Shiro glanced around at their nearly bare apartment. Keith and he had bought gifts for each other and exchanged them the previous day. Their tree was a little thing that they had stuck on the table and lazily decorated with anything they had on hand.

It wasn't much.

Truthfully, they had been planning on getting the whole team together after the New Year to exchange gifts. And that was going to be more like Christmas than the actual day for them. Shiro walked over to the couch.

"You could have called," Shiro insisted softly. He held up the bundle of ice and the wet cloth he had gotten from the kitchen. "Where?"

Lance leaned further forward and motioned to the back of his neck. Shiro set the ice pack there and handed him the cloth, which Lance pressed into his eyelids.

"Probably should have taken your temperature first." Shiro missed the infirmary on the Castle of Lions. It was easier to monitor vitals on the ship.

Lance grunted, but didn't respond besides that. Shiro sat down on the couch next to him, carefully keeping the ice pack in place.

"So… you talked to your mom."

Lance let his hands fall away from his face. That hadn't been a question.

"How did you know that?"

"Your sister sent me a message."

"Oh." Lance twisted the cloth in his hands. He bit his bottom lip. "I'm not running away."

"I didn't say you were."

"Mom was... It was good to tell her." The edge of Lance's mouth twitched up in a forced smile and his eyes darted to Shiro's. "You were right. I made it worse by not saying anything for so long. I'm sorry I didn't listen-"

Shiro held up his hand.

"You weren't ready. It's okay. I'm glad you talked to her now."

"I told mom I was leaving. Told her I was going to be here. She said she understood." Lance absently wiped the cloth across his mouth. "I just don't like my siblings or the kids seeing me like this. Thought I could stay away until I feel better." Lance's eyes went wide. "Oh! I didn't even ask. Can I stay? At least until Coran calls me back? I'll be quiet, I just need a place to crash. Hunk is with his family, I didn't want to bother him-"

"Lance, of course you can stay."

Lance breathed out, his exhaustion finally taking over. He had left his family very late on Christmas day and walked around until he found a shuttle that was going to the Garrison. Most supply shuttles were going that way, so it wasn’t hard to ask for a lift. Being a Paladin had its benefits. Nobody wanted to refuse him.

"Thank you."

The minutes ticked by in silence and Lance sunk further into the couch. Shiro removed the ice pack from his neck and pulled the wet cloth from Lance's fingers. He tried to study the bandaging there, but he didn't know how to bring it up, how to just ask what Lance had done to himself.

"When is Coran calling you?" Shiro asked instead.

"Don't know. He's out of range. He should have called back by now. Probably a bad sign."

Shiro was about to ask for further explanation when the door to Keith's room opened and Keith stumbled into the kitchen looking for coffee.

"Keith, we have a visitor." Shiro said when it looked as though Keith wasn't going to notice Lance on his own.

Keith blinked and looked up from his task. He studied them both for a long moment.

"Hey." Keith rubbed at his eyes, before frowning deeply. "What'd you do to your hand?"

Too late, Lance tried to hide his fingers away. He worked his jaw, trying to figure out how to explain.

"Long story," Lance finally mumbled.

Keith set the mug he’d been holding down on the counter, coffee forgotten. He stepped out of the kitchen and walked until he stood in front of Lance. He crossed his arms and stared.

"I've got time."

Lance laughed, ignoring the way it hurt and made tears spring to his eyes.

His friends all cared so much. He really didn't deserve them.

_We love you because you are Lance. That's enough. You're enough._

His thoughts still sounded like Coran.

It ached deeply.

Lance couldn't help the tears that slipped down his cheeks without warning.

* * *

 

He'd managed most of the story.

Lance stumbled through talking about late nights, lost staring at the ocean and his uncles who had taken him out, how that had been a bad idea and made it so much worse and then to his family and dinner and how everything finally fell apart.

Shiro had insisted on looking at his cuts then, just to be sure they were clean and starting to heal.

After his fingers were wrapped in fresh bandages, Lance curled up on the couch and drifted off. Shiro and Keith both stayed nearby, an enduring, warm presence in the room.

They were sitting on the floor leaning back against the couch. Waiting.

 _Guard duty_. Shiro realized after they had gone quiet for several minutes. How quickly he had fallen into it. Even when there was nothing physically there that was going to hurt Lance.

Shiro could hear Lance's breathing even out. He sighed in relief, glad that Lance could sleep.

"Does Coran know he got that bad?" Keith asked, eyes never leaving their front door as though he was expecting an enemy to appear through it.

"I'm not sure. He said something about him not calling him back?" Shiro dropped his voice low, not wanting to disturb Lance. 

"Why wouldn't he call him back? Coran was always quick about that stuff."

"Lance said he was out of range, but there are only a few places in the galaxy out of range now."

"Enseldia is far." The soft voice made them both jump.

"Lance, are you awake?" Shiro turned to look, but Lance’s eyes were still shut.

"What did you just say?" Keith bit out. A feeling of dread had come over him. No way was Lance going to be talking about Enseldia right now-

“Coran went there."

"Why?" Keith’s voice was sharp. Lance frowned and rolled away, turning his back on the room.

"It doesn't matter.”

“It does matter!” Keith was starting to stand, though he didn’t know what he was going to do once he got to his feet.

"Lance." Shiro felt stuck. He felt like he should say _something_ , try to make sure Lance didn't close himself off.

"I don't want to talk about it right now." That was the strongest Lance had sounded since he had arrived.

"Maybe later?" Shiro questioned.

There was a brief pause.

“Maybe later,” Lance finally agreed.

Keith was frowning, but he didn't say anything else to push him. He turned with a huff and sat on the edge of the couch, down by Lance’s feet, continuing his watch of the door.

Without planning, they all fell asleep in the living room that night. Though Keith stayed up after all of them, unrelenting in his guard until the sun's light began to creep into the room once more.

* * *

 

They hadn't forced Lance to eat, though Shiro reminded him that there was food there for him to have when he wanted.

Lance slept most of the day.

As he slept, Shiro went through the cabinets and found the few bottles of wine he had on hand. They had been gifts from the other officers, frivolous things that weren't easily found on Earth any more.

Shiro poured them down the sink.

Keith watched him closely, not commenting until the last drop was gone.

"He said he didn't like the way drinking made him feel."

Shiro shrugged and tossed the bottles into the trash. "He also said he felt like his skin was going to crawl off." Shiro began opening drawers, searching. "I would rather him not find any more unhealthy coping mechanisms."

"Knives are on your right."

Shiro nodded and opened up the appropriate drawer.

"It's just a precaution." Shiro said as he lined up their cutlery on the counter.

Keith nodded.

"Probably not necessary." Shiro worked his jaw as he arranged the knives with little thought.

"Probably not," Keith echoed.

"But still..." Shiro started to gather them together, wrapping them in a dish towel.

"Still," Keith agreed quietly.

It didn't matter if they were being too paranoid. They were going to keep Lance from getting hurt this time.

No matter what.

* * *

 

Shiro was trying to decide if he was going to bring up Enseldia again. Keith was close to asking about it directly, Shiro could tell he was growing impatient. Lance had just turned down the offer of dinner when Shiro finally decided to broach the subject. He hovered in the entranceway to the living room, opened his mouth to speak and then was interrupted by Lance's communicator beeping from the side table.

The room went silent. Lance sat up so fast that he nearly fell off the couch. He scrambled for the device, fingers shaking as he answered the call. Coran's image popped up on a projected screen and Lance breathed out a greeting.

"Lance! I'm very sorry for the delay!"

"It's okay." Lance swallowed down some of his tension. Coran was alright. He had been so worried that something had happened to him. Lance would never have forgiven himself if Coran had been injured or worse. "What’s going on?”

"In a tick. First, how are you doing?"

"I'm okay,” Lance answered immediately.

"Really?" Coran raised an eyebrow.

"I... I'm better. Things were pretty bad, but I'm feeling better, I swear. I'm at Shiro and Keith's." Lance moved the device so Shiro could see the screen directly, but he moved it back too fast for him to react properly. Keith showed up at that time, he had heard the communicator go off from his room and he had shown up looking like he was ready for a battle. He knocked Shiro’s arm softly with his elbow, reminding the man that he was hovering uncomfortably. Slowly, they both moved in closer. 

"Alright. That's good. I'm glad you're with someone."

Lance nodded and then he watched as Coran shifted uncomfortably.

"Coran?"

"Sorry, my boy, I'm not sure how to begin. It's been a rough situation." Coran’s eyes darted to the side.

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. I understand why you asked me to come. And it's good that you did." Coran forced a strained smile on his face.

"It is?"

"Lance, listen, I guess I'm just going to start from the beginning of things." Coran cleared his throat. He made a vague motion with his hand. "Do you remember the volcano on Enseldia?"

"Yeah,” Lance answered promptly. “I could see it from the rooftops." It had been there in the background always, a point of reference in his fight on Enseldia, when his head went fuzzy from the explosions and the poison that was killing him. “I could see it.” Lance’s throat had gone dry. 

"Yes, it was very large." Coran tapped his finger absently on the console in front of him. "Lance, it erupted."

Lance felt like his vision had tunneled. The volcano had been massive. Sayna had told him about it. How it concerned them sometimes.

"After you asked me to check on the planet, I went there and discovered that they were in distress.” Coran was speaking so slowly, choosing words carefully. “The Enseldians never put much stock in space travel, but they had a few shuttles capable of breaching their atmosphere. They were ships that they had mostly gotten in the few trades that they agreed to for their Syliid. They only really used them to travel around their own planet since their cities were so far apart. I found them stranded in the upper atmosphere of the planet."

Coran paused, gauging Lance's state before continuing on.

"I asked them for a manifest of everyone they had on their shuttles. Aleese's and Torlin's names were both there, but I didn't recognize the other names. There was no Sayna there." Coran was staring intently at Lance, but the boy only stared, his expression almost glazed over. "Lance, do you understand what’s happened?"

Lance furrowed his brow and slowly shook his head. Though he couldn’t quite process it, he had a sinking feeling.

"An eruption on that scale... besides the people on the shuttles, nobody else survived. Nothing can live on that planet now, the atmosphere itself has changed."

"You're saying- you're saying she's gone." Lance heard the words come from his own mouth, but the rest of him felt like it was drifting away.

"Sayna is dead. Along with most of the followers. The Triesa followers lived closest to the volcano. They felt the ground shaking first. Aleese went into the city to warn others. She had managed to make friends with another child there and she wanted to help. They didn't listen to her at first and by the time she convinced them of the danger, it was late. They told Aleese that she would be allowed on a shuttle to escape and she begged them to let her bring more of her people. They said she could bring seven. The Triesa followers sent their children only. Twelve of them. Aleese smuggled in the smaller ones." Coran smiled gently. "She was very brave."

"Just the children. Are you sure?" Lance had a rushing in his ears and he strained to hear Coran’s answer.

Coran sighed. "I checked the planet thoroughly; the tunnels that Sayna and the other adults were in collapsed during the event."

The communicator slipped out of Lance's hand. Keith managed to grab it before it hit the floor.

"Lance, whatever you're feeling. It's alright." Coran sounded so worried. "It's alright." He leaned forward, trying his best to be close. Keith held up the device so the Altean could see properly.

"I'm fine." There went Lance's mouth moving on its own again. Shiro and Keith had settled on either side of Lance, trying to be supportive. Coran studied them for a moment before taking a deep breath.

"If you can bear it, I do have one more thing to tell you."

Lance’s eyes snapped back from where they had been staring vacantly at the wall.

"Keep in mind everything we've talked about together about your time on Enseldia and know that you didn't do anything wrong. This is going to sound worse than it is." Coran tensed his jaw before continuing, speaking quickly now. "One of the Enseldian children is only a few years old. He is called Lance, but he only has your name. Nothing more. He's not- he's not yours."

Lance's eyes had widened. He was pretty damn sure he had not done anything that would have resulted in a child… though if that had been what they wanted from him, he wouldn't have been able to stop them.

Lance felt bile rising in his throat.

"He is Sayna's though."

Lance didn't realize he had left the couch until Shiro was pulling him away from the front door.

"Lance, it's okay."

Lance didn't think it was.

He had asked Coran to go there. Because he needed to know. Earth was beginning to fill with aliens from around the universe. And they had never gone back to Enseldia, nobody knew if it had fallen under the Galra or anyone else. Lance had wanted to be sure that the Enseldians were not going to show up on Earth. He wanted to make sure they were far away.

He wanted to know if they were alright.

Some broken, addicted part of him wanted them to be safe.

He had never quite shaken that protective streak.

It was wrong and he could feel the sadness and his relief mixing together.

She was gone. They were gone. They wouldn't hurt him ever again. He didn't have to worry about seeing them.

They had suffered. He should have stopped that. He was supposed to take care of them.

"It's not okay!" Lance shouted suddenly, attempting to wrench free from Shiro's grasp. He shouldn't care. He shouldn't be this upset.

Why did it feel like losing someone important?

Lance's knees slowly gave out and he sunk to the floor. Shiro went with him, holding his shoulders now to keep him from falling too fast.

Lance curled inward on himself. His forehead hit the floor as a low keen built up in his throat. It escalated and Lance was soon bawling into the apartment's carpet. He wailed and clawed at the floor and lost himself. Lost in a guilt he couldn't understand.

Guilt for not doing more and guilt for the relief he felt that they were dead.

He couldn't do this. He felt so much. And he hurt so deeply still.

Shiro was on damage control, keeping Lance from pulling at the bandages on his fingers or his hair.

"She's really dead?" Keith's voice was calm as he stared at Coran through the screen.

"Yes," Coran's voice was full of regret. He wanted to be there, to do more than watch as Lance unraveled.

"Okay." Keith nodded as though he had just decided something. Perhaps removing Sayna from his mental list of people he would attack on sight. Keith went to Shiro's side and sunk down to the floor. He put the communicator down, allowing Coran to see what was going on.

"Lance, it will be alright." Coran soothed from his view screen.

Lance slipped sideways, turning away and curling up on his side. He sobbed hard into his hands, stuck alone in his head.

Not knowing what else to do, Shiro carefully settled down next to him, stretching out on the floor. He faced Lance and spoke quiet assurances. He kept a slight distance, worried about touching him and making it worse.

"You're on Earth. Keith and I are with you. Coran's on the line. You are safe. It will be alright." Shiro glanced up at Keith, catching his troubled gaze before looking back at Lance. "Keep breathing. You're not alone. We're not going to leave you alone."

Tucked away in their own corner of the world, they all stayed that way late into the night.

* * *

 

The pain in his head woke him up. Though his hurt was quickly replaced with embarrassment as he realized he had cried himself to sleep on Shiro and Keith’s floor. A blanket had been tossed over him at some point. Lance blinked, bringing into focus Shiro who was snoring softly beside him with his face pressed into the carpet.

"You awake?" Keith was sitting cross legged. Lance hoped he hadn't sat there all night.

He had though.

Lance cleared his throat and pushed the blanket away.

"Coran says to try and eat something. After that, you can call him if you're up to it."

"I'm sorry." Lance swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I didn't mean to freak out."

He couldn't describe what had taken over him. Everything felt so confusing in his head.

There was relief that he didn't have to worry about Sayna and the others showing up on Earth. But it hurt to know they were gone too. In the past, he would have willingly died to protect them. There was a piece of that still buried deep and he couldn't reconcile it with his emotions of relief.

Then there was the child... Lance.

A child he was not responsible for. But in some cruel way, it felt like Sayna's last bid to continue to have a hold on him.

Lance rubbed at his eyes, bringing the world into sharper focus.

That's exactly what it was.

She had to have known if he had ever learned of a child named after him that he would have felt the need to investigate.

"I'm never going to be free of her."

Keith had startled at Lance's words and his expression turned stormy, realizing Lance didn't even look fully aware that he had spoken aloud.

"She's dead and I'm still scared." Lance’s fingers started to twist together.

"Lance." Keith shuffled closer. Shiro's snoring had stopped, a sign that he might be awake but was waiting, not wanting to interrupt now that Lance was calmer and talking.

"It's alright if you're scared. But she can't hurt you anymore. And you got to remember how many other people care about you. I know you feel like you can't control anything and you haven't been able to in a long time, but you can move forward. With everyone that loves you. You just keep going."

Lance's eyes shone with unshed tears.

"There's probably always going to be bad days. Coran said so.” Keith tapped Lance’s fingers lightly, stopping him from upsetting the bandages further. "But there are way more good days ahead. She can't take those away from you."

Lance rubbed a sleeve across his face. He let out a breathy laugh.

"You've really gotten good at the pep talks."

"Practice." Keith answered with the glint of a smile. Shiro had opened his eyes, but remained silent, though he was smiling at Keith with that look of pride he often had.

Lance breathed out another laugh. He shut his eyes and took in a deep breath. Something simple clicked into place and Lance felt a gentle warmth fill his chest. He knew what real love was. Love without manipulation and so much suffering. It came from his friends and family, those that were still with him and those that weren't. It surrounded him and filled him up.

He could bask in it and, in time, perhaps it would grow greater than the darkness he stumbled through.

Lance breathed out.

* * *

 

"You're sure?"

"Hunk, it's too late to back out now."

"Coran wouldn't say so. He would let you change your mind."

"I gotta do it, Hunk."

Of course. Because this was one of those healing things that made Hunk want to throw up from anxiety. Lance needed to do this. Just like before when he needed to go down to Enseldia to return the kids, then when he sent Coran back there to check on the planet. Now there was this.

The shuttle they had been waiting for finally came into view. Lance shifted and everyone, whether they were aware of it or not, shifted closer to him.

It was the beginning of the New Year. The Paladins had all come together as planned only to find that Lance had been staying with Shiro and Keith for days.

"You could have called me," Hunk had insisted.

"I know, but you were with your family. Our first Christmas home, Hunk. I'm not going to ruin that for you."

Hunk had sworn that Lance wouldn't have ruined it, but Lance wouldn't listen. He said he was okay. Hunk had eyed the bandages on four of his fingers, but he let the matter drop.

They had all decided to stay at Shiro and Keith's for a while. It was crowded, but there was a peace that came with it. Being together again helped Lance to recenter himself and it was what gave him the courage to make one more request from Coran.

"I know they would want to see you, but are you sure that’s what you want?"

"I think I need to do it."

Coran had acquiesced in the end. Lance had been adamant, even though he was scared too.  

He watched the shuttle land on the airfield that the Garrison had cleared for them to use. Shiro had been very specific that nobody besides the Paladins of Voltron would be allowed on the field that day.

Pidge was squeezing his arm too tightly and he remembered back to when she had held onto him to keep him from leaving them. It seemed like a lifetime ago now.

Maybe it was.

The ramp for the shuttle extended and Lance felt Hunk's hand land on his back. Lance was holding his breath and he knew that Hunk had noticed, but he couldn't force air into his lungs. Not until-

"Coran," Lance sounded as though he was being strangled. The Altean was walking towards him, his face lighting up when he saw them all. Lance took a few unsteady steps forward, realizing the tension in his legs was too much to walk much further.

Coran must have picked up on the way his knees shook because he held up one hand and quickened his pace.

"I'll come to you, it's alright," Coran murmured quietly.

Lance managed two more steps before Coran was wrapping his arms about him in a fierce hug.

"Are you alright? How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. Promise." If he answered quickly enough, it must be true, right?

Coran studied him for a tick before nodding. He turned back to the shuttle where three figures stood. Two older kids and one toddler all holding hands at the top of the ramp. Coran gave a short wave and the older girl's face lit up.

It had been over three years for her, but Aleese had grown so much, Lance couldn't believe it.

"Paladin Lance!"

But it was her. No doubt.

She let go of the toddler's hand, leaving him with the older boy that Lance didn't recognize.

Aleese ran. She stopped short of throwing her arms around him, looking suddenly unsure. Lance reached out his arms and that was all the invitation she needed. She nearly knocked him over as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down into an embrace.

Soon he was pushing her away and tracing a finger along a nearly healed cut that ran down the side of her face.

"What happened here?" That protectiveness rose up, unchecked.

Aleese smiled softly at him.

"Nothing important." She took his hand away from her face and studied the bandages on his fingers. Her smile fell for an instant, but it was back when she turned her face up to him again. "Please, I want you to meet my friend, Fenn."

Aleese turned around and motioned for the boys to come forward. The older boy, Fenn apparently, tried to walk, but the little one leaned away, refusing to move forward, he let go of Fenn's hand and stomped his foot.

"I am sorry, Aleese," Fenn called.

"He has been through a lot," Coran patted Aleese's shoulder. "He is most likely frightened."

"He's _spoiled_ ," Aleese said with a frown. "He was always carried, I don't think he knew he had legs up until he had to come with me."

Aleese made the walk back to the shuttle, switching places with Fenn.

The older boy wandered over to Lance and gave him a small smile.

"Hello, Paladin Lance."

"Who are you?" Lance was trying to place him, unsure if he was someone he had forgotten.

"Fenn. I am a friend of Aleese."

"From the city?" Lance was remembering the story now. Aleese had made friends with someone in the city. Lance had known that Aleese was coming with the child, but he hadn’t heard anything about Fenn coming along too.

"Yes." The boy shuffled from one foot to another. "I met Aleese when she was rummaging for food. I tried to help her. She is amazing." Fenn dropped his voice, not wanting Aleese to actually hear him. She was still attempting to coax the toddler down the ramp. "She came into the city to warn us and they hurt her for it." Fenn traced a line down his own face with his left hand. "I got them to stop, but they only listened to me because my father was important."

Fenn looked back at Aleese, who was now carrying the toddler in her arms.

"She's the bravest person I've ever met."

Lance didn't miss the awe in his voice, the amount of fondness and respect that was there. Lance glanced up at Coran, but the Altean merely pulled at his mustache and smiled softly. Aleese and Fenn were important to each other. Lance was glad they had one another.

"Here we are," Aleese stopped a few feet away, hoisting her burden up higher on her hip.

"Do you want to meet him?" Aleese was giving Lance a concerned look and Lance realized he must have been scowling.

He tried to keep his expression neutral.

"Sure," he croaked out. Aleese nodded and tapped on the little one's arm before pointing at Lance.

"Look. That's Paladin Lance. Can you greet him?"

The boy buried his face into Aleese's neck and peeked out with one eye.

"You know him. We've told you about him." Aleese sighed and patted his back. "He doesn't speak much."

"Hey, uh, hey," Lance couldn't quite bring himself to say the child's name. "Hey, kiddo," he finished, feeling like he was going to be a bit sick.

The little one turned his head, studying Lance curiously before going back into hiding in Aleese's arms.

_He looks like her._

Lance straightened up. This was enough, approaching quickly to the end of what he could handle.

_He has Sayna's eyes._

Aleese was saying something and Lance was surprised at how far away she sounded. He fought to return to the conversation, despite the feeling that everything around him had faded into dull colors and sounds.

"Coran said you sent him to Enseldia."

Lance started to shake his head, focusing hard to keep it together.

"Paladin Lance saved us again."

Lance's hands shook, but he nodded. Yes, of course he did. He would always try to save them.

A hand landed on his shoulder and he jumped at the contact.

Hunk was giving him a worried look. The proximity was enough to bring Lance back from the edge.

Lance took a deep breath. He realized there was tension and warmth in the middle of his back. Pidge had grabbed a fistful of the back of his jacket and was not letting go. She'd probably been doing that for a long time now.

He glanced back and saw how wary his team looked. None of them liked this situation. They worried about him so much.

Lance forced a smile.

"I'm alright," he whispered. Shiro returned the smile and Keith nodded, though he still looked way too anxious.

With them standing close, Lance was able to listen as Aleese spoke about what had happened to her home. Lance was surprised at how calm she sounded about the whole thing, as though losing her planet and her people was only a minor inconvenience.

"You weren't scared?" Lance interrupted when she talked about waiting in a crowded shuttle for a rescue that probably wasn't going to come.

Aleese stared at him for a moment and, again, Lance was struck by how much older she was now. She was probably around twelve, but maybe Enseldians aged faster. Lance had never asked before.

"Paladin Lance was very young. And scared, but very brave. Even when Sayna made you cry."

Lance felt like he had been punched in the gut.

"I wanted to be brave like you were."

Lance forced himself to nod, he was too worried that if he tried to speak, he wouldn't be able to get the words out without sobbing.

_Very brave. Yeah right._

Aleese spoke for a little while more, but soon Coran was saying they should rest for the night and that they'd return home in the morning. Home was now with Coran. He'd taken in all the children of the Triesa followers. He had help from Romelle and the other Alteans. They had never met an Enseldian and they had no prejudices against the children. The other Enseldians from the cities had been taken to another suitable planet. Refugees now.

"The Blade has been assisting with them. I saw your mother not too long ago." Coran nodded at Keith.

Keith nodded back. "She said she was helping with refugees, she didn't say who though."

Coran was planning on having a meeting with Shiro and some others, reporting in and gathering any useful information about the galaxy from one another. A room had been set up at the Garrison for the travelers to stay the night. Shiro went to show them the way and Lance watched as Fenn took Aleese's hand and walked away with her to their accommodations.

They were obviously close and sweet and Lance found himself hoping that the universe would be kind to them both from now on.

"Ready to go?" Hunk asked when Lance had stared after them for too long.

Lance slowly nodded and let his friends lead him away.

The sun had begun to set and Lance felt all his energy drained away with it.

Maybe the exhaustion would help him sleep tonight.

* * *

 

Lance woke up.

He didn't think it had been a nightmare, but something unsettling lingered in the back of his mind. He tried to ignore it, but found it only dug its claws in deeper when he tried to push it away.

He quickly threw the blankets off, surprised to find that there were more than he had started with. Hunk and Pidge were fast asleep in their own swath of blankets and pillows on the floor. Lance was careful not to disturb them as he stood from the couch and began to walk towards the front door.

It was the middle of the night. He shouldn't go out on his own. Not when he was feeling like this. Like certain doom was hanging over his head and he needed to do something to ease the sensation of suffocating.

Lance turned and headed toward the kitchen instead.

* * *

 

Keith hadn't slept. He felt too jumpy and high-strung to even try. He had been staring at the ceiling for hours when he heard the sound of someone moving through the kitchen.

He thought Shiro might have gotten up, but the footsteps didn't sound right. He listened to multiple drawers being pulled open and not shut.

He realized only one person would be rummaging through drawers this late at night and he sprung into action. In an instant, he was out his door and walking directly to the kitchen.

Lance froze at the sound of Keith's approach. All the kitchen drawers were hanging open and some of the cabinets had been opened as well.

"You need something?" Keith leaned on the counter, appearing casual though he felt anything but calm. Lance bit his lip. He shifted from one foot to another and he was shaky and pale. Keith tried to remember the last time he’d eaten. It hadn’t been today.

"Um... mar... a marker," Lance finally forced out. He cast his eyes down, embarrassed. He knew it was irrational, a part of him always knew it was. But he couldn't stop that drifting away feeling. The marks had always helped before and he was desperate for something that could help. Even if it was only a little bit, even if it only gave him peace for a moment.

"Hang on." Keith turned and went back to his room, only leaving Lance alone for a minute. Just enough time to catch his breath.

Keith returned with a fine point marker. Something that would have been found in an art set and Lance wondered if Keith actually did like to draw. Intergalactic space pictation aside.

Lance took the marker and uncapped it. He hesitated, the instrument hung above his wrist for a breath and then he briskly wrote out the numbers.

521.

Pidge had whispered the count to him earlier that day. It was too much for tally marks, but the total amount would be fine.

He hoped.

He felt the urge to move, to do something, but he was so tired. He wrapped his fingers around his marked wrist and squeezed. With a shaky inhale, he bent forward and rested his forehead on the countertop. He was listing to the side and he probably looked pitiful, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

His head was too filled up with so many things and his heart was hollowed out.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

Lance turned his head and peered up at Keith curiously. Was he serious? Wasn't it the middle of the night? Wasn't he tired?

"Get your shoes. Let's go." Keith didn't leave room for argument. He was already walking toward the front door and Lance realized Keith already had his shoes and jacket on, as though he had been waiting for something like this. Lance rushed after him, grabbing his jacket, shoving his shoes on his feet and then bursting through the front door as if something dangerous was on his heels.

They walked quickly. With no destination in mind, they wandered to the quieter areas. Places people hadn't inhabited again yet.

Earth was so much quieter than it once was.

Lance felt his gaze drift to the stars. Silently, they shone. Looking peaceful, despite everything that had happened among them.

"Talking or no?" Keith finally broke the silence. Lance glanced over, realizing that Keith was staring up as well.

"Maybe." Lance breathed out. He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, suddenly too cold.

"If it was me," Keith's eyes darted to Lance and then back up to the sky. "If it was me, I'd be mad."

Lance considered that.

"Which part would you be mad about?" Lance stopped walking, focused on listening instead. Keith went an extra step before stopping as well.

"All of it."

Lance stared at him, realizing that Keith was very serious and that he was, in fact, very angry on Lance’s behalf.

"Hot head." Lance's mouth quirked up. It was a playful jab and not even one that was really true anymore. Keith had grown up a lot, he wasn't the one to shoot and ask questions later now. Just like Lance wasn't the one to trust and joke easily anymore.

Lance felt so much older these days.

It was exhausting.

"I'm not mad.... I'm not mad. But..." Lance pulled his hands from his pockets and he traced the numbers on his wrist with one finger. "I just didn't know my heart could break even more."

"Lance-"

"Sometimes the universe is too big." Lance let his hands fall away and he looked back up at the stars shining brightly. "It still feels too big."

Keith shuffled his feet.

"Yeah."

With a deep breath, Lance began walking again and Keith fell into step beside him.

The rest of their night passed in silence.

* * *

 

Lance had decided to walk with Coran and the children to the airfield. A decision he had made right before the sun came up.

His team had told him he didn't have to. Keith had eyed him warily, not liking Lance spending time with the Enseldians. Neither of them had slept, staying up all night, walking and staring at the stars.

"We'll meet you at the airfield." Shiro set a hand on his shoulder. He had seen the numbers on Lance’s wrist and the circles under his eyes, Lance was still working through this. Shiro wanted him to do whatever he needed to do.

Soon, Lance was walking briskly through corridors, knowing exactly the room where they had set Coran and the kids up for the night. He had looked it up, checked to see how much distance was between the room and Shiro's apartment just off base.

He wasn't sure if it was fear or concern that had driven him to do that. Those two emotions mixed a lot now.

He was nearly there when he heard a familiar sound.

Soft, muffled crying and then a deeper consoling humming.

It wasn't a human sound. Something more musical the Enseldians could do with their vocal cords. Lance's breath caught, realizing he knew the sound well. Something that had faded to a buzzing background noise in his dreams and flashbacks, now came to the forefront of his mind with such intensity that he felt the world tilt.

He put out a hand and leaned against the wall.

He listened and he took long deep breaths.

This wasn't about him. Aleese was crying. He should check on her. Lance slowly peered out from around the corner. She stood in the hall with Fenn who was holding her hand gently. He was humming softly to her and she was wiping tears from her newly scarred face. They were both faced away from him and Lance had the distinct impression that he was seeing something private.

It was sweet and gentle and Lance felt even older now because they were still kids and they had both been through too much.

_Paladin Lance was very young._

Lance didn't know when Aleese had realized that. That despite being older than her, he hadn't been an adult yet when they first met.

Now, after the fighting and everything that happened. He was worn and tired and more than a little broken.

But maybe he wasn't so old. Maybe he was still too damn young after all. He certainly felt lost like a kid.

The door opened and Coran stepped out. He carried the toddler, squirming in his arms. Coran saw Aleese crying and he murmured her name along with quiet reassurances.

"I am alright," Aleese claimed loudly. She smiled despite the wetness on her shining cheeks and held her arms out to take small Lance from Coran, but the Altean shook his head.

"I have him, dear one. You two walk ahead."

Lance meant to call out, but the words died in his throat. Luckily, his feet moved at least and he went stumbling after them. Coran startled at the noise and turned to see Lance struggling forward.

Aleese turned as well and she smiled, though she stayed where she was, a few steps ahead and holding onto Fenn's hand.

Lance breathed out barely a greeting before he stopped beside Coran.

"Everything alright?" Coran asked quietly.

Lance nodded. He took in a shaky breath.

"I wanted to walk with you," he exhaled in a rush. "Walk you to the airfield. Is that okay?"

"Of course." Coran shifted the toddler in his arms. Consciously or not, moving him away from Lance.

They walked slowly, letting Aleese and Fenn get further ahead. They didn't need to worry about them getting lost, Enseldians had great memories for directions. Coran explained it cautiously, unsure if Lance knew that information or not.

He hadn't known. But it made sense. Their home had been full of hallways and then there were the tunnels that they had retreated to, which Lance was sure had been complex and vast.

Filling the silence, Coran spoke quietly about the plans he had for the children, he was making sure they were taken care of. He was set on giving them a home.

"Unless, it would bother you?" Coran asked and it took Lance a moment to realize the Altean was asking his permission.

"No, please take care of them."

"Would you still feel comfortable visiting though?"

They had talked before about Lance visiting. He didn't think he wanted to be a diplomat or anything like that. He just wanted to be able to see Coran and visit new Altea when he wanted to.

Lance wanted to answer that of course he would be fine. But he looked at Sayna's child and saw familiar eyes staring back at him and he wasn't so sure.

Lance didn't say anything at all. He stared ahead, realizing Aleese and Fenn had made it to the end of the long hall, they didn't hesitate before turning right, moving towards the airfield.

"You may have noticed; Fenn doesn't currently have use of his right arm."

Lance blinked. He hadn't realized, but now that he thought of it, he'd only held Aleese's hand with his left and, in the brief time Lance had seen him, his right arm had stayed at his side.

"Fenn was protecting Aleese when it happened. His own people hurt him. He'll be alright, but it's going to take some time to heal."

"They're both very strong."

"Yes, they remind me of some other young people I know."

Lance tried to smile, he really did, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

They walked on in silence, until they were nearly at their destination. Lance decided it was now or never.

"Can I try to hold him?" He was talking too fast again. Coran looked startled and his free hand went to the toddler's back, holding him closer.

"If...if you are sure."

"Yeah, I want to try."

Coran nodded and shifted his hold, offering the young child for Lance to take.

Lance had held little kids before so he knew he was doing it wrong when he held tiny Lance away from him in outstretched arms. The boy kicked his legs and made a noise of discomfort.

"Lance," Coran was already starting to reach for the child again. But Lance shook his head.

He took a breath before bringing the child closer.

"Hey," Lance whispered. Again, he got stuck on the name.

"I usually refer to him as just Lan. His given name is peculiar for an Enseldian. Male names usually end in an 'n' sound. The other children often refer to him that way as well."

Lance was realizing that, by Enseldian standards, his own name was considered 'girly' when Lan grabbed his nose, blocking his air flow.

Lance jerked in surprise.

"Oh sorry! He's very curious about noses."

Lance actually burst out laughing. He surprised Coran and the kid and even himself with it. It didn't last long and Lance thought he may start crying as well, but it felt better than what he had been feeling for days.

Lance pulled clutching fingers from his face and just stared at the smaller hand in his.

He looked up into the familiar, yet new, eyes.

"Be good, okay? Don't give Coran trouble like I did."

Coran breathed out and stopped walking. He caught Lance by the elbow and stopped him as well.

"You were not trouble." Coran squeezed his arm.

"No, it's okay. I know it was hard to deal with me."

"No." Coran gripped both of his shoulders now and he made absolutely sure that Lance was looking at him. "Listen to me. You were not trouble. It was not hard to deal with you. It was and always will be a privilege to take care of you. _All_ of you."

Lance had only seen Coran actually cry a handful of times. It had always made Lance start to cry too.

With his free arm, Lance pulled Coran into an embrace. The child in his arm squirmed, but didn't let out any noise of protest from being caught in the middle of the hug.

Coran brought up a hand and cradled the back of Lance's neck.

"It will be alright," he whispered.

Lance huffed out a loud breath, trying to halt his tears. Coran took deep, calm breaths, hoping Lance would match him. It worked.

"I know we haven't had much time. Do you need to talk about anything?" Coran pulled away, studying Lance's face. Lance glanced down at the child who had settled against his chest.

"There's a lot." Lance shut his eyes and breathed. "I don't know how to feel. And he's just a kid. I'm not mad at him, I'm not even mad at her." Lance shifted his weight from one foot to another. "I wasn't mad at Sayna anymore. I was just… scared." Lance began to shuffle down the hall, knowing they had to catch up to Aleese and Fenn eventually.

"How do you feel now?"

"Relieved and sick at the same time."

Coran put an arm around his shoulders.

"I meant what I said before. There's no wrong way to feel."

"I know she didn't love me." Lance blinked his eyes, fighting back fresh tears. "But for a time I thought she did. And I- I thought I loved her too. All of them. I wanted them to be safe."

Lance stopped walking again and Coran squeezed his shoulder.

"Part of me is relieved that they're not out there, that she's not out there. And the other part just feels like I failed them."

"I understand that's how you feel and I understand why. But you have not failed anyone. Not now, not ever."

Lance nodded. He understood. It was just his own mind making things hard and jumbled up. He hadn't done anything wrong.

But old habits were hard to break.

Lan wiggled and reached out his arms to Coran, who took him without hesitation. Lance found his fingers caressing the top of the boy's head and then brushing the faint freckles on his small cheek.

"What will you tell him, when he's older?" Lance swallowed. "If he asks about his mom?"

Coran cleared his throat.

"I've been told that the children of the Triesa followers were raised by the community. Nobody knew their parents. Lan was a special case. He was favored, but he's young and he may not remember her at all."

Coran rubbed the child's back. "I was never going to tell him much about her."

They had resumed walking, Lance leaned in close, brushing shoulders with the Altean. Lance bit his lip. He didn’t know if not saying anything about Sayna was the right thing to do. She was the mother after all.

"He will have people around him who care for him." Coran tilted his head to one side. "And he will know what happened to his people in time. If he asks directly, well I suppose I will think of something then. But, in all honesty, I would rather he go the rest of his life without giving her another thought. She doesn’t deserve to even be remembered.”

Lance had never heard Coran sound exactly like that. Angry and protective and full of retribution.  And it was all on Lance’s behalf.

Because, without a doubt, Coran loved him.

"Alright." Lance wiped the last vestiges of tears from his face.

They finally went through the doors that led out to the airfield.

Aleese and Fenn were there, holding hands and speaking with Shiro, who had come to see them off. Keith was there as well, hanging back, but not looking completely unfriendly towards the children. He wasn't glaring at them anyway.

They all turned and looked his way. Aleese smiled brightly at him, her freckles shimmering in the freshly risen sun. Her healing cut twisted up the corner of her eye and Lance thought that it must hurt her still, but she grinned at him anyway.

Lance smiled at her.

They would be alright.

* * *

 

They entire team decided to stay together at Shiro and Keith's place for a few more days.

Lance had said he was okay. Really. But they all insisted on staying anyway.

"We haven't all been together in ages!" Hunk had declared. "I'm going to make the best lunch!" It seemed that now the visit from Coran and the Enseldians was over, everyone was in much higher spirits. As though a weight had lifted from them all.

Lance had smiled at his friends when they spoke to him. He grinned and laughed and hugged them until he was exhausted from it.

He had just sat down on the couch when Pidge approached him. Without any explanation she was shoving a flash drive into his hands.

Lance raised an eyebrow.

"What is-"

"Matt made it. It's a playlist. I told him that his music helped before. I hope you don't mind! I didn't tell him everything that happened. Just the basic stuff. He wanted to help. I told him which songs you didn't like. He didn't include those."

"Tell him 'thanks' for me." Lance turned the drive over in his fingers. Pidge sighed in relief that Lance didn’t mind her brother knowing a little of what happened. “He wanted me to tell you, he said: ‘Lance deserves all the good things.’” Pidge shrugged and then plopped down next to him on the couch.

"You okay?" Pidge asked quietly. She hadn't needed to be so discreet. Hunk was in the kitchen cooking and trying to show Shiro some basic cooking tips and Keith was asleep in his room. Pidge and Lance were the only ones in the small living room.

"I'm tired." It was the truth at least. He hadn't really slept in days.

"Take a nap," Pidge suggested. "We can wake you up when lunch is ready."

Lance was going to refuse, but he was already leaning back in the cushions.

"Alright," he finally agreed. He stretched out onto the couch and Pidge took a seat on the floor close by after tossing a blanket over him. The last thing he felt was Pidge taking his hand and gently brushing her fingers over the numbers on his wrist. Lance sighed at the touch. It was okay. He was safe.

No reason to be afraid any more.

* * *

 

Lance didn't know what he had been dreaming, but he woke up with a harsh jolt that nearly knocked him off the couch. He figured he must have shouted because Hunk was suddenly there, telling him it was okay and asking if he could sit near him. Lance shook his head, the last remnants of his dream fading away.

He was only left with the thought that he couldn't breathe. But there was air and his lungs were expanding.

Lance sat up and hunched over, struggling to bring his heart rate down. Slowly he realized there was soft music playing in the background.

Pidge had been sitting on the floor with her laptop. She had the flash drive plugged in and had been going through Lance's playlist when he had woken up, startling her.

"I'm alright." Lance dragged his hand over his face. "Just a normal nightmare." They all had bad dreams sometimes, it wasn’t that big of a deal. “You can go finish cooking, Hunk. I’m okay.”

“Shiro is watching it. He’s gotta learn how not to burn something eventually.”

Lance forced a weak smile. “Still, I’m alright. You don’t need to stay.”

Pidge's eyes darted to Hunk and then back to Lance. She carefully pushed herself to her feet and held out her hand.

"Dance?"

Lance stared at her offered hand for a beat and then choked out a laugh. He carefully found his feet, making sure his legs weren't going to buckle.

"Yeah," Lance whispered. "Of course."

Lance did little more than sway back and forth, but his friends took turns standing close, holding him up.

They moved until the nightmare faded completely and Lance was able to breathe easily again. Pidge tried to spin him, but her arm didn’t make it over his head. He laughed at that and was sure to duck when she tried again.

By the time they all sat down for lunch, Lance felt lighter than he had in days.

Hunk put spaghetti on his plate and a slice of slightly burned garlic bread on the side.

“Try to eat, okay?” Hunk whispered softly. Lance nodded. He took several bites before he realized he felt alright, sitting and eating with them all.

His friends were here together and they all cared so much.

For the first time he really felt that he was going to be okay.

There were brighter days ahead.

* * *

 

"Paladin Lance! Paladin Lance!"

"Torlin, slow down. You'll fall!"

Coran always worried too much. About all of them. Lance had only just arrived on new Altea and, despite having visited numerous times over the past two years, the kids always went ecstatic to see him.

The retired paladin was soon overrun with children all jabbering at once and demanded his attention.

"Paladin Lance we went for a walk!"

"For you! For you!"

Several rocks and flowers were being shoved into his hands. Lance was trying to thank them. but then Aleese was there, scolding them for crowding him.

"Paladin Lance! Leaf!" Lan pulled on his pant leg and held up his gift with pride.

The boy had grown, though he still didn't speak much. Coran wasn’t too worried about it.

"Some just need a little more time," he had insisted when Lance had asked before.

Lance took the leaf carefully.

"Thanks, buddy. Did you find this all by yourself?"

The boy nodded, nearly falling over in his enthusiasm.

"I love it." Lance put it down on top of his pile of growing gifts. "I'll keep it right here for now."

"Come everyone, it's time to eat." Fenn was trying to herd the smaller kids together.

"You can visit more with Paladin Lance later." Aleese took up Fenn's hand naturally as they gathered them all. They were still close and sweet and Lance was glad they were both doing alright. Though Fenn's right arm wasn't a strong as it should have been and Aleese's scar was still prevalent on her face, they were finding their way.

Once the group had been led away, Coran approached Lance, grinning widely.

"You must have filled up an entire room with their gifts by now. I hope you're not too tired of it."

Lance glanced at his stack of gifts. Common items the children had picked out for him. Lance had worried at first. Thinking the children only wanted to give him presents because that was what they had been told to do. Every day for ten days, they had been trained to do that... But Coran said they did it because they wanted to.

They were good kids.

"You don't mind it?" Coran was always checking in with him still. Making sure Lance was comfortable with everything the children did.

Lance thought about gifts taken away and empty drawers and rocks hidden under a bed. A lifetime ago now…

"No, I don't mind."

Coran wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close.

"It's good to see you, my boy."

Lance smiled.

"It's good to see you too."

Together, they walked forward.

 

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking this emotionally exhuasting journey with me. I appreciate all of you.


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